The sun is shining and i lay in the grass. The eyes closed, listening to the wind. I feel the warm sunshine on my skin. I hear the rushing water. A butterfly sits on my arm and i watch him. His beauty is breathtaking. I try to touch him but he flies away. Sadly i look after him. The spring has begun and everyone is happy. Why am i not happy? I close my eyes so that i no longer see all of this. The wind caresses my skin and i wish that you're here. Tears running over my cheeks. Now the time has come to understand that it is over. Everything is gone and there is no way back. I ask myself What for a sense still have my life without you? You gave me the strength to life. You were the reason that i fought. Only because of you i have endured all the suffering. But now i realized that we have no future together. It hurts. I start to die inside. Without you i find no more my way. You were, are and will always be the most important in my life. Thank you for everything! I'll never forget you my handsome devil!!! GOODBYE!
1.4.09 16:44


Last chance!

I must book the flight ticket now in the internet. I never have done it before and i hope i have luck with this. I must fly to Japan, this is my last chance to realize my dreams. Maybe i never become again a chance. I pray to god that he helps me. Believe me i will die if i can not fly to Japan. All my hopes and dreams are there and my handsome devil too.      
30.3.09 22:56

see it in your eyes!

You smile but i know you're not happy. Why? I see it in your eyes. Your once glossful view is diminished of emptiness. What for grief you have i can only guess, but the pain in your eyes i can feel. It makes me sad to see how you try that nobody see something of your concern. For you it is perhaps a sign of weakness to show emotions in the public. But i think it's a sign of strength. I can not judge you and i will never do this. Yet my feeling tells me that you're some times lonely and dream from another life.
30.3.09 23:32


In 13 days i must fly to Japan but i don't find a cheap flightticket . Fuck, the cheapest is 950 Euro. That is too much. The Life is cruel. But i don't give up. I will fight for my dreams hahaha.
30.3.09 15:17


Today i was with my best friend in "Starbucks" and we have drunk coffee. This was the first time to do something without to think about the work. It was really funny. We have drunk "caramel macchiato" (hell i love coffee). So bad that i only have half day free, so i must go at 5 PM back to work. In the last time i have write a lot of my thoughts down. I count the days until i go to Japan. I am really excited . But don't worry i will update the blog everyday. Two days ago i was at the hairdresser and have change my style. Now my hair shorter as before and i am blonde with pink highlights . At the moment i am thinking to make a new Tattoo. Maybe again a star but this time on my ankle. Oh yeah i love stars. Only 14 days then i fly to Japan with my best friend. Ok i go to sleep now. Good night!!!
29.3.09 23:42


Always on the way to discover news. No time to rest. I am falling into work. And that just does not have to think about it. I have too many problems. It makes me tired to find a solution for everything. Nobody helps me, i'm alone. Start from zero and hope that everything will be better. I am afraid of the night. When everythhing outside is silent and dark, i wil lie awake in the bed and try to check my feelings. The loneliness in the heart is painful. During the day i have always a smile on my face, so nobody can sees how bad i feel in reality. But  in the evening when i'm again alone, my eyes are empty and tears come to the light. I don't want more this masquerade. Is it too much that i want to be happy? I want to laugh deep from my heart too. Why i must live alone and lonely? I would that anyone take me in his arms and give me the feeling of sincerely loved. I am longing after tenderness and security. I should be ashamed about it? NO! I would also like to be in loved. But the fate have a different plan with me. Which plan??? That i also like to know. Maybe then it might be easier to endure all of this! 
28.3.09 21:59


Today i have hear a lot of old song's and all the memories from the past comming back. Sometimes i miss the old time I have a lot of good memories and some bad memories.It makes me sad to think about it because i know somethings comes never back. It's over. My past was not always easy. I have lost a really good friend for many years ago. He make suicide. He was 15 years old. R.I.P my friend! I hope i can makes my dreams come true. My dreams are the only hold what i have.  
27.3.09 22:52

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